Upset, Anger and Conflict

"Upsets always contain the gift of learning,
except most people have never learned how to unwrap the package."
~Layne and Paul Cutright

You are never angry or upset for the reason you think.

It is rarely the current situation that is actually the root of your anger or upset. The current situation is triggering an earlier incident, modeling an earlier occurrence, and is showing up again now, as powerful as when it first showed up.

You think the upset is about now, but it is really about then.

To review (or look at for the first time) and understand the original time this showed up for you and what you can do about it now, check out Relationship with Yourself: How You Are Wired and What to Do About It.

Anger and upset are powerful experiences, and are not to be squelched, denied or repressed. But to experience them is different then acting them out. Anger's action is to destroy, burn, annihilate. Not THAT useful in communication with someone you care about.

So the idea is to use the power of anger and use it not to destroy, but to communicate.

I see any conflict as an opportunity.

I go so far as to see conflict as a chance to learn something really important. It's like in a video game. You go through this boiling lake and scale a slippery slope and fend off a wild beast or two, all to get a key that unlocks the door, and allows you to play the next level of the game. No conflict, no struggle, no key. No key, no next level.

In a moment of upset or conflict, that other person has something – whether they know it cognizantly or not – that you need to hear. The universe has organized itself skillfully in presenting you with conflict. It is giving you a gift, wrapped in funny wrapping paper.

Open it, you get the key to the next level. Run from it, ignore it, do battle with it, no key to the next level. Repeat the same level over and over again.

I am going to give you some magic tools for diffusing anger or upset to put in your toolbox, tools that I really should not give you until I meet you in person, they are so magical. But I am feeling magnanimous and I also want you to have extraordinarily delicious relationships, so will give them to you in the next section, Communication: 5 Vital Points.

Go to Communication: 5 Vital Points
Back to Relationship With Others

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