The Energetic Container

Going On Beyond Monogamy opens the doors of possibility of having sensual, emotional, flirtatious and sexual connections with other people including your partner.

You will need the same groundwork and foundational tools for a beyond-monogamy relationship as for a monogamous one. Relationships of any type thrive when the basics are strongly in place. Want to review the basics again? Check out Relationship With Others section.

In the kind of situation where you are pushing the edges of what is possible in your relationship, it could be that jealousy might have even more room to arise. So you want to have some strong tools to help. The Energetic Container is an extremely useful one.

Although I have had periods of both monogamy and beyond-monogamy, when my boyfriend and I first began to experiment with being not exclusive, we discovered something we call The Energetic Container.

I am naturally not a jealous person. But I have tasted it enough to study it and understand it as an extremely useful thing to bring you closer to your partner as well as gain understanding about who you are and what you need.

In one instance in particular, my partner and I found ourselves at the same workshop as an ex-lover of his. He had slept with her during a time when it was questionable whether he and I were together or broken up. Everything was fine until I saw them saying good-bye. They stepped around a corner for a few words and a hug, and out came my claws. I felt the threat (real or perceived, didn't matter) of being lied to, cheated, or that there was something sneaky going on behind my back.

But what came out of that was extraordinary, and has allowed us to have an even greater, deeper, more fluid relationship. As I thought about what the jealousy had to offer, I realized that I felt like he had "left" me emotionally or energetically, like a string of connection between us had been cut.

When I brought it up to him, he realized that he could also feel where he "left" energetically.

Incredibly, we both realized that if he had done the same actions without me feeling him "leave" I would not have felt jealous. In fact, I would have been happy for him to have a moment with someone he cared about and had history with.

You know the phenomenon where you think about someone you care about, and you can "sense" things about them – where they are, if they are thinking about you, if something is wrong with them? That energetic connection is similar to the concept of an Energetic Container.

The Energetic Container is like a room that you and your partner are both in. You might go to opposite sides of the room, not looking at each other, but you are still in the same room, and can feel or sense that you are in the same room. When one of you "leaves" the Energetic Container, it is the equivalent of leaving the room. Outside the room, the thread of connection is severed.

Although my partner and I might expand the boundaries of our relationship and be physical, sensual or sexual with people, we keep our Energetic Container strong. We remain emotionally and energetically connected and loyal, first and foremost with each other. We have each other's backs and are tracking each other all the time, to make sure all is good, healthy and clear. When something goes off, or one person feels unsure, confronted or neglected, we stop everything and come back to restore our connection.

My partner and I are both gregarious, flirtatious people at heart, and using this concept of the Energetic Container has allowed us to be free and self-expressed without hurting the other.

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