For Guys Only

"No time is better than now to let down your guard and love."
~ David Deida

No, I am not a guy. I can't be what you are: men in relationship. I am not inside your head, body or heart.

But I love and respect men, have learned much from men and about men, in relationship and out of. I have experienced much joy with men, am a better woman for the men I know, and I want the same for the partners you are with or will be with.

Having some confusion around this men in relationship thing?

Not to worry. In this section, I give it to you straight up.

Check it out, have a look around. Be a fly on the wall for a moment and take a peek.

I offer you some distinctions about your experiences as a guy, as well as some insider information for men in relationship as well as practical tools you'll need to relate well to women. And of course, some gentle but firm butt-kicking:

Some necessities for men in relationship:

Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Leveling the Playing Field
What Women Want From Men
Communicating With Women
Intimacy With Women
Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits for men in relationship:

Five Secret Tools

Porn as Junk Food
Alchemy of Attraction
3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life
Body Exploration Exercise
Five Senses Alive Exercise
Come Some Other Time Exercise

All right, then, let's get to it.

These tools, tips and information are here to ease your way and make you feel less in the dark. Let you know there is no better time to start than now.

Let you know you are welcome, the way a desert welcomes rain.


Extraordinary Men in Relationships:

What It Takes

Are you clear that you are the type of man whose destination is to be in extraordinary relationships?

Do you want to find yourself In the company of stunning, real women, to wake up, be an extraordinary man, learn how to make it happen?

Seriously, it could be that it is not your game this lifetime.

It is certainly not the easiest route – there are many ways less demanding of you.

Either way it is OK.

But it is good to get in, if you are in, or get out if you are out.

Be honest, with yourself and your partner.

Let's say, since you are still reading this, you are in.

There are some things you need to BE WILLING to do:

* Learn new information and skills
* Be open and be willing to grow and change
* Stop wishing and expecting women to be different than they are
* Learn about women and from women
* Share your gifts
* Trust that what you need the most often comes in an unexpected package
* Accept that exceptional relationships are the way you become the great man you are meant to be

I will do my part: I will tickle and tease, goad or inspire you into this game of extraordinary relationships. Restore your faith a bit. Get everyone's cards on the table, so that the game can be played fairly. Offer you a game you can win.

But you've got to do your part: You have to know if you are up for it, and you have to be willing to play full out.

If you are reading this you are likely already that rare breed of man who is willing to step up to the plate and get in the game to have an extraordinary relationship with his partner, even if that means stretching, going to uncomfortable places, introspection up the wazoo, and enough "talking about it" to kill a small horse.

Somewhere in you, you know that being willing to be in this kind of relationship, balls to the wall, is a large part of what calls out your greatness and makes you the spectacular man you are – or are aspiring to be.

I know it is not easy, and I applaud you for being a salmon that is swimming upstream, against the pack. Women need you. This world needs you.

And I also know that relationships, or more precisely women, often seem complicated and unfathomable.

For what it is worth, we think the same about you!

Many women think men are all aliens, and we sometimes wish you would think and feel and behave like OUR species, since it seems like that would make this relationship thing a whole lot easier.

I am guessing you sometimes have similar thoughts about women.

But, the secret for having great relationships isn't getting your partner to be more like YOUR species, and more like you, as simple a solution as that sometimes seems to be.

The secret is to learn about us, make peace with us, and get on the same page with us. (We will do the same for you, of course!)

The secret is being willing to be always a bigger man than you were yesterday, to do what it takes to co-create an amazing relationship that encourages you both to be more than you could be on your own.

If you want to skip ahead and get right in to the action, check out my free E-Course "Re-Defining Monogamy Primer," which encapsulates the information on the following pages, plus tips and simple exercises.

And along with the E-Course, you will get my free monthly Newsletter, "Bare With Me," to keep you up to date on all the ways I bare all!

Or stay with me here, and check out what I have assembled to smack your ass a bit and urge you along, as well as ease your way and level the playing field in this game of creating extraordinary relationships.


Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes

Go on to Leveling the Playing Field
Go on to What Women Want From Men
Go on to Communicating With Women
Go on to Intimacy With Women
Go on to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Go on to Five Secret Tools
Go on to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Go on to Porn As Junk Food
Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Sensual Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life



Leveling the Playing Field

I think it is fair to say that you, like many men, think that in the game of relationships, the deck seems stacked, and NOT in your favor.

You are given tools to be successful in some areas of life, but they are often not the same tools necessary to have success in relationships.

It is a gross generalization, but culturally, and perhaps somewhat biologically, women are set up to "win" in the area of having, forging and maintaining relationships. Men are set up to win in other areas, like the doing of your purpose – especially in the areas of business, sports, making money, etc.

Quick example. I know when I put myself in a typically male environment, like a game of foosball, say, I can really get intimidated. I think, these guys all know the guidelines, they have been practicing, and I am just a poor schmuck that is going to get whomped by that puck any moment now.

This is what a lot of guys feel like setting foot into the game of relationship: "These girls know all the guidelines, they have been practicing, and I am just a poor schmuck that is going to get whomped any moment now."

(Please know that I know that there are plenty of women who kick ass at foosball, and that all men were not born with chips in your brain making you a stellar business man, sports player or what have you.)

In relationships, you guys are expected to step up to the plate, but you've been given less access to the tools. You are also discouraged from practicing the tools.

Ever have your woman take a workshop or read a new book and then you are left in the dust? Ever get seriously confused when a woman started using something called "The Rules" on you? Maybe you've tried your hardest at a relationship and it didn't work?

Maybe you've been disappointed, so you've given up in advance to avoid future failure. Maybe you think you have no time, or no energy for relationships. Maybe you fear your freedom will be compromised if you are in relationship.

But I tell you, relationships aren't the problem. You've just had a crappy set of experiences up until now .

You may not be aware of it, but guys have been seriously oppressed around emotions, feelings, sex, any sign of perceived weakness, and any area that smells a little like relationships, like talking, feeling or sharing.

No wonder you avoid it all, or have bad behavior around relationships.

Again, you just need practical information and tools and some gentle but firm ass-kicking. That's what I am here for.

Here are some of the areas that will help level the playing field:

Get to know a little about the unique creature, Woman:

  • What Women Want From Men
  • Intimacy With Women
  • Her Wiring and Plumbing

Some nuts and bolts for interacting with women:

  • Communicating With Women
  • Five Secret Tools
  • 3 Sensual Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life

Some information and tools for you guys:

  • Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
  • Porn As Junk Food
  • Alchemy of Attraction

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field

Go on to What Women Want From Men
Go on to Communicating With Women
Go on to Intimacy With Women
Go on to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Go on to Five Secret Tools
Go on to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Go on to Porn As Junk Food
Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Sensual Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life


What Women Want From Men

You might think there is something elusive that women want from men, that you could never possibly figure out.

Or a list of things so endless you could never satisfy her.

But really what women want from men is relatively simple.

We want your presence, your attention on us. We can feel you feeling us, and that is hot. We come alive under your attention. This goes for big things and small alike – a conversation, sex, a lifetime partnership, and the other moments in between.

There are more superficial things women want from men, that vary from woman to woman. I am not denying this. But that is not what we are examining here. We are talking about on a more profound level, what the soul of woman wants from a man.

What attracts a woman to a man is his presence, his rooted-ness, his strong, still center, like the eye of the storm. We women want men to pay bold attention to us, witness us, see us, enjoy us, celebrate us, and bring some rooting and grounding to the storm of creation, flux and change that we are.

What we need is NOT a superficial type of strength or calm. And we don't need you to be "strong" all the time. What I am talking about is your nature, your birthright, and is available to you in an instant, at any moment.

On one level, yes, she might still want you to eat better and get to the gym, since a guy who takes care of himself is of course attractive, but on a real level, on a heart level, on a partnership level, a woman wants a man who can stand his ground, not run in the face of her emotional storms or mind-changing, who is emotionally present, who she can count on, who had her back.

Of course we are attracted to a myriad of superficial attributes in a man, but without a witness, without grounding, we can be a real mess. We can certainly provide grounding for ourselves, but in playing the game of attraction, we look for it in a man.

We want you to be doing all the things that make you centered, rooted, grounded and strong.

We want to know you have our backs, and that we are on your mind. We want you to tell us so, show us so.

And then, the keys to the kingdom are yours. Treat a woman well, she will give you the world.

This may not be EASY, but what women want from men is simple.

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men

Go on to Communicating With Women
Go on to Intimacy With Women
Go on to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Go on to Five Secret Tools
Go on to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Go on to Porn as Junk Food
Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life


Communicating with Women

There are 6 vital points for constructive, healthy communication:

1. Deep, spacious listening
2. How to say what you say
3. What you heard, what they said
4. Diffusing reactivity
5. Take responsibility for your part
6. Co-creating language and ground rules

These can be used with anyone, but my focus here is to have you experience great communication with women.

Before I explain the six points, though, let me introduce you to what characterizes healthy communication. I call it "Engaged Detachment."

Engaged because firstly, you recognize that you are speaking with someone you care about, and so you remain connected, your heart and mind participating, and you don't hide behind a façade of rationality or emotional distance.

Detached because you keep a little space between you and your possible combustible emotional flares. The bit of distance allows you to keep from getting reactive, hot under the collar, disengaged or defensive.

Engaged detachment allows you to focus on your "desired outcome."

A desired outcome in healthy, constructive communication is usually all or one of the following: to express your truth, really hear the truth of the other, get on and stay on the same team, learn from the conflict presenting itself, create new ways of relating or "ground rules" so you don't do the same pattern over again next time, and to have a better understanding of yourself and your partner at the end of the conversation.

Keep your eye on the goal – your desired outcome – rather than getting swept up into reactivity, anger, upset, shutting down, walking away, blame or lashing out. Hold your tongue back a bit in favor of your end game.

You have the ability – and responsibility – to steer any conversation toward your desired outcome, toward understanding, health and intimacy.

OK, then: 6 Vital Points for Constructive, Healthy Communication:

1. Deep, Spacious Listening

Humans have a deep need both to feel heard and to express what they are feeling and thinking. Your excellent listening provides the space not only for her self-expression but also for her to experience being heard in a profound way.

Listen.

Don't think about what you are going to say in response, or something unrelated like what you want for dinner. If your mind wanders, bring it back. Listen deeply and thoroughly.

2. How You Say What You Say

Communicating with a woman often requires you to access your emotions and your feelings and to speak from there, which might be really uncomfortable, new or strange for you.

The focus while you are speaking is to stay "in your body," rather than getting into your head, too detached, or too rational.

Here are some things that will help:

• Try using the words, "I feel." as opposed to, "I think."

• It is OK to go slowly and take pauses. In fact, it is better to go slowly than to go rushing through.

• Keep breathing, keep breathing, keep breathing.

• Stay in your body: If you are not in person when you speak, put one hand on your heart, one hand on your package. No, I am not kidding. It will help you remember where to speak FROM.

3. What You Heard, What She Said

What you hear is often a far cry from what she intended. Since language is an approximation, we all interpret the same words in often vastly different ways. And often women use words differently than men.

A good rule of thumb is to repeat back to her what you think she just said: "So, here's what I think I just heard you say. You are feeling/thinking."

Stopping to clarify in this way can save you so much of the pain that comes from the build-up of repeated misunderstanding.

4. Diffusing Reactivity

In a heated situation, a woman may feel like you have suddenly become her aggressor or her opponent.

But by diffusing reactivity, she will feel like you still have her back. When she feels you are both on the same team, she is open to hear you and move forward with you.

You want to cool it all down enough to restore some rationality and create some space for some real communication. There is no one right way to do this, but all ways require some patience, and the keeping of your end game – your desired outcome – in mind.

I trust it goes without saying that none of these will work unless they are 100% genuine and from your heart.

Tell her that you love her. Often in an upset, a woman will feel that you no longer love her, or that because you are angry, she is losing your love.

Tell her that you are not leaving her. In a highly emotional and heated situation, especially if you walk away or become emotionally distant, women can become triggered and feel like you are leaving for good.

Say it differently. If she is responding as though she hasn't heard you, no matter how many times you have said it before, she is not stupid, You have not yet said it in a way she can hear. Try using different words, tone or intention.

Make physical contact with her, like a touch or a hug. Physical contact is grounding and calming like nothing else, and reminds her of your presence. She will stop worrying that you are out of there, and will then be open to hear what you have to say.

Acknowledge or appreciate her. Tell her something genuine you love about her, why she has touched you or impressed you. Thank her. This opens her up to let down her guard and hear you.

5. Take Responsibility For Your Part

Check in: where's the truth in what she is saying? Whether or not you like it, there is always something to be learned, a way in which you can shift or grow. Don't miss it, or it will be back to bite you in the ass later.

Where might she be pointing out a real issue, some nasty thing you do but don't want to admit you do?

Take responsibility, own up to it, cop to the thing she is consciously or unconsciously pointing out to you. It might suck to do this. In fact, it usually really sucks, but it always brings you both to the next level in healthy communication.

My dad, a mathematician and computer programmer, has an acronym for this phenomenon: AFGO. Which stands for, Another F**king Growth Opportunity.

6. Co-creating Language and Ground Rules

A nice by-product of effective communication is your own personalized, co-created unique language. Your customized collection of short-hand, definitions, colloquialisms, mannerisms, signals, jargon and inside jokes is a full-on dialect in which you can communicate brilliantly and subtly with each other.

One of the main points of communication, though, is to learn from your mistakes so you don't keep doing them again. Keep creating and updating your guidelines and ground rules.

To do this, try asking your partner, "How can I do things differently so that this doesn't come up again? How can I communicate in a way that doesn't trigger this for you again, make you defensive, reactive, etc?"

Healthy, constructive communication is a vital part of the foundation of any relationship. Done well, it keeps you both on track and on the same page, teaches you both a thing or two about a thing or two, and brings you both higher and closer.

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men
Back to Communicating With Women

Go on to Intimacy With Women
Go on to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Go on to Five Secret Tools
Go on to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Go on to Porn as Junk Food
Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life


Intimacy with Women

You, like most human beings, likely crave intimacy, and want it to flourish, but at the same time are afraid of it and keep yourself at a safe distance from it.

I think of intimacy as a physical or emotional experience in which you are the closest it is possible to be with another human being, in which you couldn't be any closer.

Intimacy is laying out what is SO for you, good or bad, heroic or shameful. It is a moment of truth sharing, of being emotionally or otherwise naked. And the nakedness is OK – in fact, better than OK – welcomed, accepted, honored, and loved.

How women become available for intimacy, how we respond to experiences of intimacy, and our patterns around intimacy, are somewhat distinct from guys. Understanding this can give you skill around creating and experiencing intimacy with women.

I talk in generalities about how women are with intimacy, which can be very useful. However, I hope it goes without saying that any woman is completely unique from another, with preferences, hot-buttons, likes and dislikes, all of which vary from woman to woman. And learning these as well as the generalities about most women, is vital.

Being Available For Intimacy:

In terms of physical or sexual intimacy, women often need to be emotionally intimate before we feel safe and open enough to be physically intimate.

Most guys are the opposite – physical intimacy or sex opens you up for emotional intimacy.

Women become available for intimacy usually by being "invited" or "welcomed." This can be verbal, where you comunicate something that is going on for you that creates a safe space in which she can join you. It could also be energetic, where she senses or feels that you are inviting her or welcoming her.

We need to feel safe with you to be intimate. What it is that constitutes a feeling of safety may vary from woman to woman, but usually it has to do with her feeling (or hearing) that you are accepting, will not flee unexpectedly and that you have her back.

Responding To Intimacy:

Guys respond to experiences of intimacy with a pattern of intimacy that is a bit like, "Approach, Retreat, Regroup, Repeat."

You dip in for some intimacy, take in your capacity, and then need to high-tail it out of there and get some space. When you've had enough time away, you come back for some more closeness.

Repeat pattern.

Women, however, respond to experiences of intimacy with kind of a spiralic pattern. We move toward intimate situations in a steady path, always closer, always deeper.

This can be very confronting for guys, because you are not ready for more or to go deeper just yet. You need some time away before you can take any more. You need to digest what you're chewing on already before you want more.

However, your patterns of intimacy are often really confusing to women.

A woman shares this really intimate moment with you, and next thing she knows, you take off, leaving her wanting more and wanting to go deeper, wondering what the hell just happened, feeling confused and hurt, wondering, "Why wouldn't he want more, or to go deeper? What did I do that drove him away?"

A sort of self-defeating pattern can get set up quite easily:

After emotional or physical intimacy, a woman will try to advance closer to you, which makes you claustrophobic since what you want is space. She feels you moving away, and feels rejected. She usually tries to restore the intimate connection by moving closer, which of course makes you want to move even further away.

You can get off this loopy ride if you can understand and respect the differing patterns of intimacy that men and women have.

You can tell her, in a gentle and loving way, that you need to take some space for yourself. It is not that you want to get away from her, or that she has done anything wrong. You just need some space.

It takes the confusion, misunderstanding, hurt and sting out of it all. And makes it possible for intimacy to flourish.

Creating Intimacy

The space of intimacy is rather the opposite of the tough shell you need to walk around, do work and survive in the world.

It takes some effort to open up and become available to intimacy. Without some effort and understanding of how to create intimacy, you usually just intentionally or unintentionally stop or block it.

I want to tell you something radical about what blocks or inhibits intimacy.

You, like most human beings, are afraid of intimacy, mainly because you think if you reveal the real you, you will be exposed as the deficient person you are, and there will be a reason for someone to reject you.

Show the real you or get too close, get left, rejected or trapped, is the erroneous belief.

So you do a lot of hiding, denying, compensating for, posturing and covering up so that you don't have to go through the horror of showing yourself as you are, since that is certainly not enough or too much.

The problem is NOT the having parts of yourself that you doubt.

It is the hiding, covering up and pretending to be something other than you are, that blocks intimacy.

Intimacy is sharing a moment of truth. You can't lie or pretend and be truly intimate.

It is also ignorance around the different patterns men and women have around intimacy that blocks it.

You can – and must – take initiative to create intimacy. Here are some ways to try out:

• Share some of you with her. A fear, something important, or any truth about yourself, really. Knowing about you is what creates room for her to be intimate with you, emotionally or physically.

• Invite her. Your invitation or welcoming, whether subtle or overt, creates the space in which intimacy can flourish.

• Ask her what she needs/requires/desires to be open to be intimate with you. There are intricacies and idiosyncrasies that vary from woman to woman. She also might need different things at different times.

• Tell her what YOU need/require/desrire for intimacy. Once she knows, she can also take initiative and be able to call it out in you.

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men
Back to Communicating With Women
Back to Intimacy With Women

Go on to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Go on to Five Secret Tools
Go on to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Go on to Porn as Junk Food
Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life


Her Wiring & Plumbing

There are ways that women are physically and biologically put together differently than men, that influences how we experience the world, how we think and feel, process information, relate and respond.

You know what I am going to say about wishing her wiring and plumbing to be different, or more like yours: It doesn't work for extraordinary relationships.

It is what it is. My suggestion is to start by understanding the ways women are put together, move on to accepting them, and finally to celebrating them.

Her Wiring

In a female brain, our right and left hemispheres speak to each other. The area between the two, where the conversation happens, is called the corpus callosum. Men have a smaller corpus callosum and less activity in this region than women. This is thought to be partly why women think circularly and connectively rather than linearly, and why we generally have easier access to intuition, intuitive processes and the ability to multi-task

Then of course there are the ways our bodies are wired to create life, and hooked up to the cycles of the moon and world at large.

Our pituitary and pineal glands supply us with a complex cocktail of hormones at certain times of each month. At some points of the monthly cycle, we are clear-thinking, productive and outgoing, other times we are more inward-looking, intuitive and contemplative, all dictated by a complex dance of hormones, in synch with the natural world. Our energy levels, emotional states, physiological desires, sexuality, and the quality and content of our dreams, all shift and respond according to the changing cycle of the world. Pretty cool, if you think about it.

Whether a result of nature or nurture or both, woman tend toward "working things out," conflict resolution, and the cultivation of a climate of cooperation.

However, the world as we know it is, by and large, set up for men and by men. The playing field isn't equal, and often leans toward disregarding and marginalizing women's bodies and minds.

For example, western medicine uses a 160 pound male body as the standard for medical research, determining dosages for medicine, and other medical standards. It often does not take into account the uniqueness that is the body of a woman.

In much of the world's religions, woman is considered to be sexual temptress, initiator of sin, and women's sexuality is stifled, feared, and controlled at any cost. About 2 million women and girls, usually between age 4-8 are genitally mutated each year, where her clitoris and often other parts of the labia, are removed – and you guessed it, certainly without anesthesia.

Constant cycles of productivity, linear, rational thinking and non-emotionality characterize the corporate work environment. Women are not necessarily wired to work this way, and often suffer emotionally, mentally and physically in the effort to fit in to an ill-fitting work environment. Women still make 77 cents to a man's dollar, even for the same job. It costs more to dry-clean a woman's blouse than a man's shirt. You get the idea.

I say all this to draw attention to the fact that because the world is arguably set up for and by men, and because the differences between men and women often go unacknowledged and uncelebrated, men can easily become disdainful, impatient, put off, or confused by women.

A woman is not deviant, wrong, or less. We are simply different, and in many ways, our wiring allows us to have unique knowledge, perspective and experience of the world that can be a great benefit as well as teacher to you as a man.

Her Plumbing

Well, first off, there is the almighty clitoris.

This is the only organ whose sole purpose is just for pleasure, and the clitoris, unlike other body parts, never atrophies. There are 8,000 nerve endings in your average clit – and just to offer perspective, there are 4,000 in a penis. Most men – and way too many women – don't even know where the clitoris is, let alone how to work with this little dynamo.

Women are often easily multi-orgasmic, partly due to the powerhouse of the clitoris, but mostly due to the fact that women lack a venus plexus. It is responsible for keeping the blood in the penis during erection, and urges a man toward ejaculation. There is a refractory period after coming, where the venus plexus has to relax, before a man can ejaculate again. While some men can work to, or naturally can have multiple orgasms, the main reason it is harder is due to the venus plexus, which is lacking in a woman's "plumbing."

A large difference between men and women's different plumbing is that fact that a man penetrates a woman, whereas a woman's experience of sexual intercourse is internal. It can take a lot to "let a man in," physically or emotionally. Often a women needs emotional connection and openness before being open sexually. Partly for this reason, and partly because – let's face it – women's bodies are considerably more complicated than men's – many women have difficulty having an orgasm at all, or have pain and discomfort during sex that they never express.

And although there are many differences in our anatomies of men and woman, there are some surprising similarities, such as the ability to ejaculate. In case you didn't know, all women contain the physical ability to ejaculate. It isn't reproductive fluid, and although it is released through a woman's urethra, it isn't urine, either. During sexual stimulation or excitement, a woman's Skene's glands (kind of like a man's prostate) fill with fluid, which can be released as ejaculate. Many cultures and traditions consider it to be sacred and healing fluid. A lot of porn considers it to be somewhere between myth and well, just plain hot.

It is my hope that these generalities about women will help you gain understanding, even admiration for women. Those will get you in the door, but the next step is to become a connoisseur, a specialist of your woman. Make a science of getting to know her, this unique woman before you.

This is where I leave you sweetly to your own devices, to explore her confounding exquisiteness.

However, you might find it helpful to kick off the process of physical exploration by trying out either my Body Exploration Exercise or Come Some Other Time Exercise, or an emotional exploration by checking out Communicating With Women or Five Secret Tools.

I salute you as you embark on your adventures.

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men
Back to Communicating With Women
Back to Intimacy With Women
Back to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Go on to Five Secret Tools
Go on to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Go on to Porn as Junk Food
Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life


Five Secret Tools

These are tools you can whip out and use when things are off, in the middle of a fight, or any old time to simply maintain your relationship.

Many will be effective with people in general, but these are particularly affective with us women.

These tools will help diffuse an upset. They will help restore rationality and create space for real communication. They will have her feel that you still have her back.

These tools will put you both on the same team, will open her up to hear you and move forward with you. But they only work when they are 100% genuine and from your heart.

Want'em? I thought you might.

1. Put your attention on her:

Your attention on a woman is like water to a plant. Women are change and flux – it is what you love and what you hate about women. You have the power to bring out in your woman all that you love. You bring it out with your attention.

This can be as simple as just listening to her, or it could be a comment, a question, or a date you plan or gift you give. She can and will get "water" from other areas of her life, but in an extraordinary relationship, don't under-rate this tool.

2. Check in:

Something I love about guys: generally, what you say sticks, until you say something different.

Not so much for women. When something feels different to us, or it just gets quiet, we wonder if things have gone wrong, you are upset, not into us, ready to jam. We start to wonder what we did, or didn't do, that is causing the problem.

Just said, "you look gorgeous" yesterday? Yes, you still have to say it again today. Women change all the time, and we flourish with consistent checking in.

Checking in consistently probably won't naturally occur to you, but you can practice and build the muscle: "Anything going on with you? Is there something you want to tell me?"

3. Tell her that you love her:

Especially in an upset, a woman will feel that you no longer love her, or that because you are angry, she is losing your love. Being reminded that you love her will still her, and open her to you.

4. Tell her that you are not leaving her:

If you are trying to get something off your chest, or in a highly emotional and heated situation, especially if you need some space and walk away or become emotionally distant, women can become triggered and feel like you are leaving for good.

Rational or not, she is only confronted by your anger or distance because she thinks you are really leaving. Tell her you are not leaving, you are just angry and want to tell her why. Tell her you are not leaving, you just need to be by yourself for a while. You can do what you need to do, but try telling her first that you are not leaving.

5. Make physical contact with her:

This is a huge. Physical contact, like a touch or a hug, is grounding and calming like nothing else, and reminds her of your presence. She will stop worrying that you are outta there, and will then be open to hear what you have to say.

Secret tools from the mouths of us babes. Try it out, guys.

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men
Back to Communicating With Women
Back to Intimacy With Women
Back to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Back to Five Secret Tools

Go on to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Go on to Porn as Junk Food
Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life


Have Your Freedom

& Eat Your Pie, Too

So many guys are spooked by relationships because you think being in relationship means you will loose your freedom, become trapped or compromised.

I say you can have your freedom and be in relationship as well. I say it is possible to have freedom, while being responsible and reaping the rewards of devoting yourself to one person.

This is about re-defining what monogamy IS for you, after all!

Firstly, though, take a look at why you feel you need your freedom?

It might not be time. It is part of your development to play around, experiment, soak up adventure, be footloose and free.

It could be you are immature. It might be time to take a good, hard look at what you need to be "free" from. It might be time to grow a bit, mature, ripen, stop running.

Relationships might not actually be for you. It could be you are not meant to be in relationship – that the boundaries, however re-defined by you, are not part of your expression this go around.

Maybe you can have it all. Perhaps no one ever gave you permission to create your own boundaries, to set the rules up in your relationship to suit you, as well as honor your partner.

It could be simply being able to have friends without your partner feeling jealous. It could be that you both have the freedom to flirt, to be intimate together with other people, or to have other relationships with other people.

So, with the idea that you could "have it all," what would you want to create? What would it take for you to stay but not feel trapped? How would you have to be a bigger man to handle it all?

Let me tell you a little about my story.

When my boyfriend and I met each other, he clearly didn't want to be with one person exclusively, although I was clear I did. But we couldn't help but be together and as we got into a "relationship," he strongly wanted to have the freedom to be intimate and sexual with other people, apart or together. At first I was very resistant, but then I became fascinated by the question of how he could have his freedom and still want to be in the boundaries of committed, honest relationship with me.

That seemingly incongruous question lead me to realize there were ways I wanted freedom as well. It led us both to take a look at what was un-defined and what needed re-defining in what we wanted in a relationship.

It led us both into the extraordinary relationship we have now, one that our friends and colleagues refer to as a model they deeply admire and wish to emulate.

It led us to clarify that we both need and want to have a relationship that honors us both, is built on honesty, held together with the glue of communication, is full of adventure, trust, and respect and is an expression of the unique individuals we both are.

It led us to explore the questions and distinctions that I lay out in this website.

If you are looking for something that is YOUR particular mix of monogamy and freedom, there are some guidelines I can offer, fresh from the trenches of my own relationship.

Build A Strong Foundation First.

Although you want to be upfront and honest to your partner about what you want, you have to build a solid foundation of trust, communication and safe boundaries before you can start coloring outside of the lines. It is too confronting and often self-defeating to start with the advanced stuff. You both have to be extremely mature and well-versed in YOUR relationship before widening the boundaries.

Getting To Neutral.

Most people consider themselves or their partner being intimate or sexual with someone else as extremely negative, as one of the worst lies that could befall any relationship. You want to be able to get to the place where widening the boundaries of monogamy is not negative, it is doesn't mean cheating or lying, it doesn't mean one of you can't get what they need from the other so they are looking around, it doesn't mean one of you is wanting to leave the other.

This is a topic I explore in much more depth in Secret Subjects, especially in On Beyond Monogamy.

Coming From Surplus.

Your woman has to trust you completely, and be emotionally, physically and sexually satiated with you before she can think about you getting it from someone else. If she is satisfied, there is room for more. If you are neglecting her, if your intimacy is lacking, if she feels threatened in any way, there is no chance that anything from flirting to being intimate with others, will work.

The Concept of "AND not OR."

Almost everyone thinks and acts with the idea that love is scarce and you have to control love and own it in order to keep it. You think, she loves me OR someone else. Or you think, if I am attracted to that other woman, there must be something lacking with my partner. I tell you, affection is abundant. Love is not scarce.

The first time I saw my boyfriend kiss another woman was the moment I understood that there is enough to go around.

Although I watched my mind come up with many natural doubts like, "he finds something in her that I lack, if he enjoys her, he wants to leave me, his affection for her diminishes his affection for me." But none of this was true.

In this moment I could see that the bond and the trust I had with my partner wasn't going anywhere. We were both able to deeply love each other, while having love or affection for others. It was not an OR situation, but a potent example of AND.

Having your freedom and eating your pie, too is not about putting one over on anyone. It is not about cheating, lying or sneaking. It is about creating a relationship situation in which you are held to be more and more of the best you can be, in which you, as well as your partner, get to be fully self-expressed.

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men
Back to Communicating With Women
Back to Intimacy With Women
Back to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Back to Five Secret Tools
Back to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too

Go on to Porn as Junk Food
Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life



Porn as Junk Food

Don't jump to any conclusions right off. Just because I am using "porn" and "junk food" in the same sentence doesn't mean I am saying you shouldn't have any.

Life is no fun without a little junk food, right?

It's fun, it's tasty, it's a rush, it is an indulgence, it reminds us of our childhood, it is comforting.

But you have to watch out for too much, because then you get sluggish, low-energy, overweight, depressed, and other serious diseases. A good rule for food is 90% of the time eat healthy, whole, nutritious food that makes you healthy, happy, energized and ready for life. 10% of the time is for whatever junk food does it for you.

The same goes for porn.

Porn is like junk food. A little here and there is fun, tasty, a rush, an indulgence, reminds you of your childhood, is comforting.

Porn can be hot. Porn can be fun, I am not suggesting you should have NO PORN.

I just want to draw some attention to some side-effects from over-saturation of porn.

Too much porn is numbing, de-sensitizing, it limits the depth of sensuality that is possible to have with another human being, and quite honestly, narrows your capacity as a great lover.

I suggest that you consider porn to be junk food, not your mainstay of sensual and sexual sustenance and nourishment.

Not easy. Porn is hurled at you from every corner. This over-saturation of porn perpetuates your oppression.

What do I mean by that, exactly?

When you hear the word "oppression" you probably think of oppression of women, or of a particular race or religion, but I invite you to also consider oppression of men, which is just as powerful and pervasive.

One of the main ways men are oppressed is around sex.

Most men I have asked said they first learned about or encountered sex from pornography. Porn is where you get your schooling around sex and sensuality. It is what you were weaned on, and that is the steady diet incessantly tossed your way for your whole lifetime.

Yes, there is porn made for and by women, but in general, porn is consumed by and created for men.

So, porn is where you get your information on what is sexy, what is sensual, what a sexy body should look like, what gets a person off.

Which is all often far from a real life encounter with a real live partner.

Eating junk food all the time can't create a healthy, vital being. Likewise, a steady diet of porn also cannot create a healthy, vital, integrated sensual, aware man.

You don't have to give it up, just consider whittling it down to 10%, as a delicious indulgence. And consider devoting some of your energy to sex and sensuality in the real world.

You can jump straight into some research with any of the following 3 Sensual Exercises:

  • Body Exploration Exercise
  • Five Senses Alive Exercise
  • Come Some Other Time Exercise

It's time to get healthy, guys, time to expand your sexual nutrition horizons. What are your off-screen turn-ons? What makes real life women hot? What have you been missing that would make you a phenomenal lover?

What do you have yet to learn to be fully on your game in this play of extraordinary relationships?

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men
Back to Communicating With Women
Back to Intimacy With Women
Back to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Back to Five Secret Tools
Back to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Back to Porn as Junk Food

Go on to Alchemy of Attraction
Go on to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life



The Alchemy of Attraction

"Love doesn't just sit there like a stone;
it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new."

~ Ursula K. LeGuin

What is attraction?

When you boil it down, attraction is like what exists between magnets, between polar opposites. It is the charged space between two opposing poles, longing to be brought together.

The thing is, though, if opposing magnets spend too much time with each other, they become de-polarized, they lose the charge and tug of attraction.

Maintaining attraction is keeping the magnetic pull strong, which is not an easy thing. What naturally happens is the entropy of de-polarization between you and your partner.

It takes consistent time, effort and creativity to maintain attraction, both in the time your spend consciously apart as well as in the time you spend consciously together.

Maintaining attraction is an active, constant process. Attraction, like any living, breathing thing, needs feeding, watering, it needs care and attention.

Here are some things you can do:

  • Research Her. She is unique, she is changing all the time. What worked for the last women you were with might not for this one. Take on the consistent research project of this distinct woman – what makes her tick, what turns her on, what does she not like, what makes her happy?
  • Shared Projects. Do fantastic things together, like projects, hobbies, professional work, etc so that you can bond around something you both love, work on and are involved in. It can be small or large – it might even be simply the time you spend together.
  • Separate Space. Have enough separation between the two magnets – you and your partner – so the coming together is rich and sweet. Said differently, spend enough time apart so that you miss each other and long to come together.
    This includes friends, interests, even sleeping in separate beds sometimes, to maintain separate, distinct identities and energies.
  • Do Your Thing. When you are on your purpose or passion, up to what you are up to, being your own magnificent self, you are naturally magnetic.
    This goes for her as well, of course. The trick is also to have both of you be full and powerful in and of yourselves, so that the drawing together is all the more incendiary.
  • Open Up. Here's something interesting. Mostly, women need to be emotionally available before being open to being sexual. But men need to be sexual before being able to be emotionally available. If you want to have her be open to you sensually or sexually, consider opening up emotionally.
  • Put Creativity And Energy Into Your Coming Together. Your shared time and space needs to be full and consciously created, rather than the dull, ordinariness of the same-old at the end of a long day apart. Your energy and creativity is the antidote to entropy and boredom. Continue to court her, surprise her, create special occasions, create rituals, learn about her, teach her about you.

The alchemy of attraction needs a consistent input of energy and creativity. I know this kind of sucks to hear. But it also sucks to feel attraction that was once so delicious and hot and heavy, ebb away.

It would be nice if attraction just stuck around and was naturally constant and growing. But sensual, sexual, emotional, and intellectual attraction is made and remade by your effort, creativity and attention on it.

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes
Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men
Back to Communicating With Women
Back to Intimacy With Women
Back to Her Wiring and Plumbing

And some spicy and juicy bits:

Back to Five Secret Tools
Back to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Back to Porn as Junk Food
Back to Alchemy of Attraction

Go on to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life



3 Sensual Exercises
to Improve Your Sex Life

I know, I know, the million dollar question is, "But will this improve my sex life?"

The answer is, yes, and here are some exercises to start you improving.

If you have been having GOOD sex, and wondering what GREAT sex would be like, I invite you to try out these exercises – and take a big step in the direction of great. If you have been having GREAT sex, these exercises will also take you in the direction of PHENOMENAL.

* Body Exploration Exercise
Ever felt clueless or embarrassed during sex, like you should know how to please your lover, but you don't, so you just stay silent and guess?

Incredible sex is more than applying techniques that might have worked with the last person you were with – it is a sensuous exploration and understanding of the nuanced person you are with NOW. This exercise has you both take a thorough, instructive trip through the erotic landscape of your bodies.

* Five Senses Alive Exercise
This exercise invites you to expand your erotic repertoire beyond the usual genital suspects, and to include all the senses, to awaken what you didn't even know was asleep!

* Come Some Other Time Exercise
So often in sex you are so focused on orgasm as the outcome, you miss the whole experience. This exercise puts you back in the process, with amazing, expansive results for your love-making.

Try them out, and enjoy!



Body Exploration Exercise

Time to set aside: about 1 hour, not including preparing your space

This exercise is to get to know your partner's body, as though you were discovering it new.

Although it can be as sensual and/or sexual as you both want, the point is NOT to jump right into sex as you normally do it. It is NOT about the performance, the guessing or hoping that sex can sometimes be, but rather it is meant to be a process of discovery, to educate you about your partner's body, and their likes, dislikes and preferences.

1. Prepare an inviting, sexy, comfortable space and invite your partner into it. This could mean lighting candles, putting on music, incense, opening the window for a cool breeze, having some wine or a bath beforehand. you get the idea.

2. Take a moment to connect, settle down from whatever you were doing before, and be with your partner. Maybe you want to look into each other's eyes, notice each other's breathing, or put a hand on each other's hearts. Something to connect you and get you both on the same level.

3. Tell your partner that for the next ½ hour, your attention will be entirely on them. All they have to do is relax, receive and give you instructions and feedback as you go.

4. Touch, kiss, caress, lick your partner, asking them often for feedback. Not only, "Do you like this? How about this?" but also, ask them, "Would you like it harder, softer? Slower, faster? Deeper?" Ask your partner to speak up and tell you where to go, the speed to go at, what to try, etc. Remind them the point of this exercise is so you can learn their body, and you need their help in learning it. Keep it light and fun – this is meant to be like play time.

5. After ½ hour, switch roles.

6. Take some time to share the experience – what it was like for both of you. Sometimes it can be a new experience to ask for what you want, or to verbalize instructions or preferences, or to just receive and not DO or reciprocate, or to have someone's attention entirely on you.



Five Senses Alive Exercise

Time to set aside: 20-45 minutes, not including preparing your space

1. Take some time to prepare an inviting, comfortable, sensually rich space into which to invite your partner. Make sure the room is warm, and that there is a soft and comfortable place for your partner to lie down. You can light candles, put on soft music, light incense, open the window for a cool breeze, even offer your partner some wine or a bath beforehand. you get the idea.

2. Gather several different items for each "sense." For sight – or lack of sight! – you'll want something to use as a soft blindfold. For touch, gather several objects that are of all different textures – soft, rough, smooth. For taste, gather an assortment of items that are sweet, sour, bitter, salty, even include water or wine. For sound, have music handy as well as things that make different sounds, like aluminum foil, crinkly wrapper, a bell, your breath. For smell, gather several items with different scents, like incense, scented oils, pieces of fruit, etc.

3. Ask your partner to lie down, and take a moment to connect with them, settle down from whatever you were doing before, and be with each other. Maybe you want to look into each other's eyes, notice each other's breathing, or put a hand on each other's hearts. Something to connect you and get you both on the same level. You can tell them, if you want, that this is an exercise to awake and indulge all of the five senses.

4. Start by blindfolding your partner. Moving slowly, gently touch them, caress them, kiss lightly, play as you wish. Then slowly introduce the items you gathered, in whatever order you like. Go slowly. Take your time. Enjoy. Notice your partner experiencing all of their senses. You can keep it an exploration of the five senses or you can add in the erotic, as it feels right.

5. When you feel your partner has had enough or is getting bored – or you are, gently bring it to a close, laying a hand on them, and removing the blindfold.

6. Take some time to share the experience – what it was like for both of you.



Come Some Other Time Exercise

Time to set aside: 30-60 minutes

The point of this exercise is to shift the goal of a sexual, sensual experience from orgasm to sensation. So often sex is goal-oriented, and you miss the whole process along the way, in order to reach the goal of climax. This exercise is about re-defining the goal as the process itself.

1. Prepare an inviting, sexy, comfortable space and invite your partner into it. This could mean lighting candles, putting on music, incense, opening the window for a cool breeze, having some wine or a bath beforehand. you get the idea.

2. Take a moment to connect, settle down from whatever you were doing before, and be with your partner. Maybe you want to look into each other's eyes, notice each other's breathing, or put a hand on each other's hearts. Something to connect you and get you both on the same level.

3. Explain to your partner that the focus of this exercise will be to NOT have orgasm, either of you. You can feel free to do whatever you want, however you usually do it, but remember to stay present to the sensation. If you feel your mind wandering, bring it back to what is going on, what sensation you are experiencing. If you feel close to orgasm, relax and breathe into the sensation.

4. Continue, experiment, breathe, indulge, relax, and enjoy!

5. Take some time to share the experience – what it was like for both of you to have sexual experience that's focus was on NOT experiencing orgasm, but experiencing everything but. What did you learn, what did you like, what would you like to throw away, what would you like to include in your love-making?

Some necessities:

Back to For Guys Only
Back to Extraordinary Relationships: What It Takes

Back to Leveling the Playing Field
Back to What Women Want From Men
Back to Communicating With Women
Back to Intimacy With Women
Back to Her Wiring and Plumbing


And some spicy and juicy bits:

Back to Five Secret Tools
Back to Have Your Freedom and Eat Your Pie, Too
Back to Porn as Junk Food
Back to Alchemy of Attraction
Back to 3 Senusal Exercises To Improve Your Sex Life

Share this page with your friends!

Join my mailing list


Relationships got you hot and bothered? Let me help.

Start with the FREE Report:
Keeping Cool: Top Ten Ways To Diffuse Reactivity

It's sweetly simple:


Name
Email

You can also anticipate:

  • Bare With Me: my stimulating, saucy, quarterly newsletter
  • Weekly Mini's: juicy, bite-sized relationship tips
  • The Skinny: zesty, compelling upcoming events
  • PLUS: a Second Bonus Report: "A Strict Diet of Self-Appreciation"

Sit back, relax and enjoy it all, chilled!


To help with email overwhelm, I promise you'll hear from me no more than 4-5 times a month!

Twitter Updates