Bare With Me: ReDefining Monogamy's Quarterly Newsletter

November 2008

You Are Not Broken. Or Lazy. Or Stupid. Or Being Human is Not a Fallen Condition


I am sitting in a filming studio in Boulder, Colorado, getting ready to be interviewed on the
Stuart Davis Talk Show, "Sex, God, Rock n' Roll."

I'll be talking about Relationship and Sex as Spiritual Path; Can a Relationship Actually Do
What an Ashram Does?
It's going to be a good one!

This month, I've got some great goodies for you:
– Upcoming tele-classes, including "Deciphering Love Languages"
– A "Six-Pack" holiday special for one-on-one client session packages
– Fun new plans to give you even more real-life, consistent relationship support

And read on for:
– My thoughts on "Relationship and Sex as Spiritual Path"
– As well as my mentor's delightfully persuasive "10 Delusions of Personal Growth"

… two different treatises explaining just how and why you are not broken, lazy or stupid
and just how and why being human is not a fallen condition.

Enjoy! LiYana

Whet Your Appetite: stimulating, saucy morsels

Trying to fix ourselves is not helpful because it implies struggle and self-denigration. Lasting change occurs only when we honor ourselves as the source of wisdom and compassion. It is only when we begin to relax with ourselves that acceptance becomes a transformative process. Self-compassion and courage are vital. Staying with pain without loving-kindness is just warfare.

-Pema Chodron

"All behavior and all experiences have intended positive outcomes – no exceptions, ever."

– Carl Buchheit

“Thank you for believing in me before I believed in myself.”

– Kobi Yamada

Grasp the Naked Truth: your questions answered

Sex and Relationship as Spiritual Path
by LiYana Silver, Relationship Specialist

I am sitting in a filming studio in Boulder, Colorado, getting ready to be interviewed on the Stuart Davis Show, "Sex, God, Rock n' Roll." I'll be talking about Relationship and Sex as Spiritual Path; can a relationship actually do what an ashram does? It's going to be a good one.

In a pre-interview email, Stuart emailed me the following questions: Relationship as Spiritual Path: Can a relationship actually do what an ashram does; can a relationship actually do what a teacher-student relationship does? In what ways can relationship do what lineage, community, etc, does? In what ways do we use spiritual communities or teachers to "avoid" deeper engagement and relationship with our partners?

There's no One Right Way. This is a unique concept in a world that functions as though there is very much One Right Way. Our world loves the "either/or," "black/white," "good/bad" paradigm; our cultures raise arms around who are the chosen people, who's getting into God's kingdom, which diet is the right diet, is a homosexual marriage still a marriage?

Relationship can absolutely do what the ashram does. It just tends to do it in a sort of technicolor thriller, comedie noire, 3-D dramatique way.

To read the rest of the article, click here.

Widen Your Vision: cutting edge perspectives

I am six months from the finish line of an extraordinary Masters training program in Neuro-Lingusitic Programming at NLP Marin. My world, professional and personal, has been rocked; cracked open to reveal the elegant structure of human beings and the ways we make meaning. These are masterful, respectful tools of astounding depth, with which I can help to create lasting change, especially in those areas that have long-resited much-wanted change! Once again, I find myself in the presence of true, little-known, best-kept secret masters.

Enjoy the writing of Carl Buchheit, the main (master) teacher at NLP Marin, who offers ten pieces in the delightful puzzle that is our humanity and offers gently compelling evidence that, "Being Human in Not a Fallen Condition."

Ten Delusions of Personal Growth
or Being Human is Not a Fallen Condition
by Carl Buchheit

1. That you can get somewhere positive by defeating something negative.

When we act to improve our lives by defeating some aspect of ourselves (for example, "an old, unwanted behavior pattern," or a recurring issue of "self-sabotage") who is it, exactly, who wins?

One of the most enduring and unfortunate delusions to come out of the personal growth movement (especially the "monster power growth" version of it) is the idea that we all contain a "strong self" that can be trained to compel the subjugation of our "weak self." It is completely understandable that almost all of us develop this impression. Human beings have been trying to make meaning out of their internal conflicts, their affinity with the light or dark sides of things, with their distresses related to virtue and guilt, for tens of thousands of years-long before the invention of the personal growth weekend seminar, as far as we know.

The easiest way to allow personal change and growth is to include-not to exclude or defeat-whatever it is that is not working in our lives. We can recognize that unwanted patterns of behavior are simply old solutions that have unwittingly outlasted their usefulness. Actually, when we go beyond this-when we seek to actively respect whatever it is that seems to be causing us the most pain and frustration-the experience of including and changing even long-standing patterns becomes safe, fun, and rewarding. Our old patterns are much more available for easy, comfortable change when we do not fight against them. In fact, when they are respected properly, we find that old, unwanted behaviors usually seek to change themselves. It's as if they want to catch up with the rest of us, and that makes for a wonderful, and defeat-free, reunion.

2. That people who take the "path of least resistance" in life are weak.

To read the rest of the article, click here.

Get The Skinny: what not to miss

Upcoming events with LiYana

Grab a Six-pack for the Holidays – Coaching sessions
with LiYana, that is!

Six one-on-one sessions for $695 (and no hang-over!)

– Six one-hour individual sessions, by phone
– Notes & recommendations after each session
– Email access to LiYana in between sessions
– Access to all Tele-Classes offered by ReDefiningMonogamy, fr*ee of charge
– PLUS: a complementary one-hour session for your partner or significant other

Offer good through December 19, 2008!

"Working with LiYana is like working wtih a sure thing!" – K.D.

Curious? Consider a free 45-minute consultation to see if working with
LiYana is a good fit.

lick here for more information and to schedule your consultation!


Get cutting edge interviews, simple tools, real-life how-to's & practical information that you can use immediately to expand and infuse your relationship life:

Deciphering Love Languages
You are speaking with love, but can they hear you?

Monday, December 15, 2007
8:30pm – 9:45pm Eastern time
5:30pm – 6:45pm Pacific time

Your outpourings of love might seem meaningless to your partner & their efforts to express adoration and devotion may be falling on deaf ears. We often express and experience love, commitment and caring in drastically different way from our partners. This class offers you the keys to understanding your Love Languages – and those of others – for more connection, intimacy, joy and satisfaction in your relationships.

For more information and to register, click here.

ManSpeak: WomanSpeak
The Decoder Ring for the Opposite Sex

Wednesday, January 14, 2009
8:30pm – 9:45pm Eastern time
5:30pm – 6:45pm Pacific time

Ever wished for a UN translation service from Man-Speak to Woman-Speak? Mystified by that other species? Tend to end up in misunderstandings, hurting the one person you are trying to love? Gain a greater understanding of and deeper respect for the opposite sex, and leave with simple tools to create more communication, intimacy and ease!

End the War of the Sexes – and start a party instead!

For more information and to register, click here.

Communication Made Easy:
In & Out of the Bedroom

Wednesday, January 21, 2007
8:30pm – 9:45pm Eastern time
5:30pm – 6:45pm Pacific time

When you try to talk, does he go distant or try to fix it? Does she go cold or upset? Here’s a simple road map to your partner’s heart and mind so you can get back in the saddle and back in the sack! Who knew communication could be this sexy?

or more information and to register, click here.

Step Up: simple ways to make a move

I am always looking for ways to improve what I offer and to make sure my materials and courses contain only what's useful and valuable for YOU.

Recently, I've gotten feedback that the bit-by-bit, IV-drip of relationship tips, tools and practices is something that would make a difference.

Introducing Weekly Minis!

Served to you weekly, these are profound, bite-sized relationship tips and tools, to keep you in the practice of creating extraordinary relationship…

Nothing you need to do – they'll be coming your way shortly!

First one to get you started:

Also known as gratefulness, thankfulness, thanks, appreciation, indebtedness; recognition, acknowledgment, credit.

With the impending holidays, it's easy to get caught up, stressed out and crazed. Take a moment to connect with what really matters, to you.

1. Each day this week, spend 3 minutes at either the beginning or end of your day and write out a list of all that you are grateful for.

Bonus: If you notice a particularly juicy one on the list that involves someone in your life, you can let them know.

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed.
Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute
with love, grace and gratitude."
– Denis Waitley

There's no way to fake gratitude; it blossoms in you in a unique and heart-opening way. Take a couple moments this week to revel in gratitude's restorative, connective powers.

Pass It On: tell a friend

So, how'd you like "You Are Not Broken, Or Lazy. Or Stupid?"

If you got a lot out of it, or got really into it, pass it on!

I mean, who couldn't use some cutting edge thought, tools and information on these most important, vital, juiciest areas of our lives: relationship, love, sex and intimacy?

Click here to Tell A Friend about the Bare With Me E-Newsletter!

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Relationships got you hot and bothered? Let me help.

Start with the FREE Report:
Keeping Cool: Top Ten Ways To Diffuse Reactivity

It's sweetly simple:


You can also anticipate:

  • Bare With Me: my stimulating, saucy, quarterly newsletter
  • Weekly Mini's: juicy, bite-sized relationship tips
  • The Skinny: zesty, compelling upcoming events
  • PLUS: a Second Bonus Report: "A Strict Diet of Self-Appreciation"

Sit back, relax and enjoy it all, chilled!

To help with email overwhelm, I promise you'll hear from me no more than 4-5 times a month!

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