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Saturday, January 3rd, 2009

Pablo Neruda and Skype

The truth is, these last few weeks have felt like hell. Negotiations with my partner on leaving San Francisco, how to combine keeping my business flourishing and me writing my book while we take off on a sailboat for a year, or two. We are good negotiators, but sometimes our skill level is surpassed by the complexity of the situation. This has been one of those times.

It's gotten heavy, snarled, emotional, chargey and even ugly. I've been scared. I don't think the straightest when I'm terrified.

Today, the last person I expected to be my angel, was.
Nathan, my partner in crime, in life and in love.
Nathan, on a boat, our home to be, in the Caribbean:

The Pablo Neruda part comes after the Skype part.

Our Skype chat from today:

LiYana
1:21 PM
how are you feeling about me?

Nathan
1:22 PM
i'm feeling good about you
i like you
i like us
i like our time together
i don't have all the answers
but i feel like things will work out
with creativity and intelligence and sensitivity
we made it through crazier things and have been the better for it
we'll do the same in leaving san fran / sailing / leaving sailing
come out better for it, is my thought on it.
what do you think?

LiYana
1:24 PM
generally, i like that, it makes sense
i'm having a very difficult time right now
i guess nothing to do about it

Nathan
1:25 PM
anything i can do to help with your difficult time?

LiYana Silver
1:27 PM
i'm shy to express things like that
since it's gotten us intro trouble lately
mostly, it's not your deal, so i try to work it out on my own, but then i isolate and it's hard for me to connect or be vulnerable

if i share, or ask for support, eventually it becomes something that you don't like doing, and it causes problems, and i feel like a jerk for asking, for needing, for relying on you

these last few days i feel lost, like leaving SF now, things seems pointless while we are apart

Nathan
1:30 PM
hmmm
it is hard to have decided to leave, with a transition time
i can feel that
of course, you're welcome to come to the boat and do nothing but work for the first 2 months
though i think some things are better in san fran

i've been thinking about coming back earlier in feb
so as to have less time apart
as another way to do it

LiYana
1:34 PM
that's sweet. i'm surprised and delighted to hear it
i wouldn't want you to miss out on being there, if it's important
i don't have good thinking on it

Nathan
1:35 PM
no worries … i'm thinking on it …
i figure it will all make sense as we go along
mostly
i just come back to
i love you
i feel better with you
life always works out better than i expect
even when it doesn't feel like that will be the case
so not to worry too much, but be healthy, eat well, love a lot, and stay Awake
and make the best decisions with the most information we have

LiYana
1:36 PM
i'm just so scared
terrified, actually

Nathan
1:36 PM
what is your worst fear?

LiYana
1:37 PM
two i think

that i'll give up on myself, what's important to me

that i'll be that woman who follows you and eventually, you'll hate that woman, who has no center

Nathan
1:40 PM
i hear you love

on the first one, i feel like you're doing good at holding out and discussing what's really important to you

and i feel like i've moved a lot around supporting your business, and will only get better around whatever i understand is really important to you

on the second one … i don't think its a real fear …
i think its dangerous to think that way
because it puts you between two losing options
one to not follow me, to be independent, and to lose me
or to follow me, to lose yourself, and to lose me
i don't think either is accurate

LiYana
1:42 PM
that's kind of what it feels like

Nathan
1:42 PM
yes. i think that second one is a construct where its reasonable to be terrified
its an unwinnable construct

not sure how to assure you the 2nd is not true. likely there is nothing i can say around it. but i'd say that's the place to focus your thoughts / talking to others / talking to me

LiYana
1:43 PM
if it's not true, what is?
i get that it's not winable, just not sure what IS winable?

Nathan
1:44 PM
that you are a woman i repeatedly and consistently show affection, love and loyalty too.

and that you being you will cause that to continue
the you that is strong and flexible, and follower and a leader
who negotiations nicely but firmly
who stands for what she wants and needs, but who considers me and my needs as well
the lionness
and the seductress
the woman by my side
and the woman out ahead

i think you are a unique and amazing woman, who has the skills and ability to be with me, and be better as a result
and i don't know any other that will be

LiYana
1:46 PM
those are nice things
thank you

Nathan
1:46 PM
not nice. true.

LiYana
1:48 PM
i don't what to say, sorry, i am crying

Nathan
1:48 PM
its ok. i love you liyana. i think you should keep doing what you are doing. feeling in the dark, doing your best. negotiationg, leading, following, petitioning, giving in, what feels right.
trusting your instincts for when to
go along, when to dig in your heels
i'd look at the current situation
from a place of what do your instincts say would be the best to do, the best to say

if you trust that will be the best thing, and it will all work out in your favor if you follow it
and do that, be true to that, come what will

LiYana
1:50 PM
that is very good guidance
do you always trust your instincts?
or listen to them?

Nathan
1:52 PM
i listen to them
then do everything not to listen to them
and then come back to listening to them, and generally doing what they say
even when it makes little sense
they are my navigation in complex waters
and when i look back on my life, they've always been right

none made sense at the time. all took courage. all were the right thing to do in retrospect

you have developed instincts. listen to them. see what you come up with. trust them. trust yourself. you know!

this is one thing i know to be true about you
no bullshit
we share this trait/skill

LiYana
1:54 PM
thanks for saying all these things about me. it's helpful. i'm not feelng very good about myself. it's good to get a little outside perspective.

Nathan
1:55 PM
you're being great, you know?
liyana, i love and adore you
i'm sorry this is a rough time
i have empathy.. and i feel rsponsible. and i know i'm doing the best i can
you'll get through it
listen to your soul, listen to your pussy
and tell me what they say later on, sometime soon

LiYana
1:55 PM
ok, i will, my love

Nathan
1:55 PM
i love you

LiYana
1:55 PM
i appreciate your seeing and level-headedness and compassion right now
i need it
i wasn't expecting it, and i couldn't ask for it

i love you, too, nathan, this i know

Nathan
1:57 PM
i love you liyana
i always ask myself, do i love liyana, am i better person as a result of being with her
and i consistently come back with
absolutely

LiYana
1:59 PM
this is what i wanted to ask for before, when you asked how you can help me: your compassion, love, tenderness, support

thank you
more than you can imagine
thank you

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.”

– Pablo Neruda

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