Bare With Me
Welcome to Re-Defining Monogamy's Blog
Join LiYana's intrepid traipsing through the peaks and crannies of Sex, Relationship & Intimacy for the 21st Century
When I was a wee lass, I went to not-your-ordinary-summer-camp. It was called Camp Winnarainbow. In New Mexico. In the 1970s. I was a child of the flower children. I hung out with Wavy Gravy the clown, Sharon Sharalike the camp counselor, and this guy, Swami Beyondananda was there. Or else, he should have been. What do I know, I was 7? Either way, read this, you will love it:
Swami Beyondananda's State of the Universe Address 2010
Wake Up Laughing, And Wise Up Loving:
The Upwising Has Begun!
By Swami Beyondananda
"We're not here to earn God's love, we're here to spend it!"
– Swami Beyondananda
Well, another 12-month episode of that long-running comedy of situations, Universe Knows Best, is in the can, and you'll be happy to know the show has been renewed for another season. The Producer thinks it's hilarious.
However, if you're like most of us, you really had to strain to hear the laugh track in 2009. Certainly, there was plenty to not laugh about. Take our political system — please!
A year ago, Americans believed they had chosen not just a new President, but a new precedent. Well, now that the hopium fix is wearing off, we must face the inconvenient truth that if we want a truly new deal, we the people must become the new dealer. Unfortunately, the old dealer seems to have dealt a great hand to the uncommonly wealthy at the expense of the commonwealth.
Obama Bails Out Wall Street, and Bails Out On Main Street
Riding high on the shoulders of public opinion, President Barack Obama came down to earth, showing he — like anyone else in the employ of the American Empire — must answer to the Board of Directors, and not the shareholders. To give credit where credit is not due, the Administration bailed out the big banks, which immediately reinvested the money in three big houses: The White House and the two houses of Congress. Yes, it's a buy-ological fact. When the banks are picking up the tab, the government becomes more usurer-friendly.
No wonder they have names like Chase and Wachovia. Sadly, a lot of little folks are feeling walked over. Last year, downsizing and lay-offs affected every industry. I recently went to one of those 50s and 60s rock music nostalgia shows, and was shocked by the line up: The Jackson Four … The Three Tops … Two Dog Night … and the Everly Brother.
Even I went minus last year, and frankly it left me nonplussed. So I too have had to downsize. I'm now wearing smaller pants.
Meanwhile … the Up-Wising Continues
Fortunately, the up-wising continues, as the body politic now recognizes the difference between change, and chump change. I predict even more awakening and a-wisening in 2010. Americans are waking up left and right, because the news is alarming and the snooze button no longer works. Anger is becoming all the rage, proving once again that old adage: the truth shall upset you free.
As even more shift hits the fan in 2010, the body politic will need all the fortification and nourishment it can get to metabolize the political toxins and neutralize the sociopathogens. And so I am offering my simple and effective two-step program because frankly we don't have time for all twelve: Wake up laughing, wise up loving.
Wake up, because it's time to wake up. Laugh, because there is definitely something funny going on — even if you can't find the joke hidden in the picture. Yes, waking up is hard to do, so we will need plenty of "ha-ha's" to go with the "aha's." As we wise up to the inconvenient truths hidden behind convenient lies, we will need something to keep us from taking these political toxins poisonally.
That is where love comes in, because love is the one solution that will dissolve negativity. Of this, I am positive: love will positively dissolve negativity.
Step One: Wake Up Laughing
Do you realize that billions of people worldwide go to bed serious every night? And wake up the same way?
Seriously.
So naturally — or in this case, unnaturally — the world is in serious condition. Between the stresses of work, the economy, and a steady diet of bad news, is it any wonder so many people have gained weightiness?
Yes, the problem is serious. But the solution is humorous. If gravity's got you down, let levity lift you up. Do you ever wake up in the morning with a funny feeling? Great. Go with it! Feel the levitational pull uplifting the corners of your mouth into a smile. You want to uplift humankind? Uplift your face first, and everyone else will get the idea. It will be like wearing one of those buttons: I lost weightiness. Ask me how.
Step Two: Wise Up Loving
In the midst of our evolutionary up-wising, we must amp up the loving — particularly loving that which we find most unlovable. Why? The lovable has no problem getting love, because it's so … lovable. Meanwhile the unlovable is left unloved, and so acts unloving, and becomes even more unlovable. This is a vicious cycle that can indeed become a never-ending cycle of viciousness, unless we end it. So, as the old saying goes, when you find yourself caught up in a vicious cycle, stop peddling and get off.
Now you're going to love this: when we find some lovable part in the unlovable to love, that lovable part expands, and the unlovable shrinks. So … if you find something unlovable, by loving what is lovable about it, you can love the unlovable to death!
At the same time, we can love the lovableness to life! We do that by focusing on the positive. That is why I have launched my "Just say no to negativity" campaign. It is especially important that we give our children an esteem bath every day. Next time you see your youngster sprawled out on the couch playing video games, speak only positive words of praise: "What's right with you, you useful good-for-something? And wipe that smile on to your face!"
I guarantee that before long, he or she will be hanging out with a savory crowd.
We Can Achieve Fulfilament!
As we wise up to the awful truth, we must then rise up to the awesome opportunity: Humanifest destiny! We are here to manifest our destiny as imaginal souls in the body of a newly emerging organism called Humanity, where each of us is totally unique — just like everyone else! We are here for one singular purpose — to let our light fully shine. The enlightened ones call this fulfilament.
And with more delighted lights lighting up, enlightening is going to strike more frequently. A critical mass of us will recognize that we'd be a lot happier and a lot more successful if we put our energy into fruitfully re-growing the Garden instead of fruitlessly scrapping over the scraps. As we children of God put aside childish things like war and greed and finally become adults of God, we will evolve past the Ten Commandments to the One Suggestion: Love thy neighbor, otherwise there goes the Neighborhood.
Yes, this will require conscious evolution, but I say we were created to evolve. Otherwise Jesus would have said, "Now don't do a thing till I get back."
As you probably know, I never make predictions because I don't want to jeopardize my non-prophet status. However, I do set intentions. And so, may 2010 be the year that we collectively tune out reality TV, and tune into … reality! We are in the hero's role in the greatest adventure story in human history: Conscious evolution! A world win campaign where the whole world can win.
May we use our intelligence intelligently and our hearts lovingly. May we wake up laughing, and may we wise up loving. And may we — each and all — achieve fulfilament.
Swami Beyondananda is the alter ego of author and uncommontator Steve Bhaerman, and can be found online at www.wakeuplaughing.com
To wake up laughing, check out Steve's e-book, Wake Up Laughing: An Insider's Guide to the Cosmic Comedy
To wise up loving, check out his book co-authored with Bruce Lipton, Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future and a Way to Get There From Here
© Copyright 2010 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.
A, ze French and their condoms! You will enjoy this one:
Enjoy, safely,
LiYana
I got this from one of my readers today, and burst out LOL, so thought i would share.
The Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep and often lie down after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying one or two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, Va Gina
———————————
After a good laugh, I do have to add that couples who work with me write entirely different love letters to each other. Check out my "Heavy PETing" upcoming course where you'll learn how P. Niss and Va Gina can get along quite nicely, thank you.
Saturday-Sunday, April 10-11, 2010
Heavy PETting
An introduction to the Pleasure Expansion Technique: a hands-on (yours, not mine!), experiential course designed to introduce you to the practices of conscious touch, communication, and non-penetrative sensual energy cultivation. By application only.
Live workshop intensive, San Francisco
Click here for more information and to register (and scroll down the page to Heavy PETting, or use this link: http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/relationship-courses/relationship-workshop
Tell-It-Like-It-Is Video Contest
Tell-It-Like-It-Is Video Contest:
It's still a bit top-secret, but … I'll be launching a sister website next month, and as part of it, I'll be creating a video compiled of your stories, challenges and ways you've put ReDefining Monogamy into your life, love and relationships. If a picture's worth a thousand words, I figure a moving picture is worth a million. So the best way to capture (in under 3 minutes), what my work is about, why and how people use it, and what is possible to create as a result, is to get it straight from you!
The prizes:
** For every video submitted, I'll send you my self-study course, Communication Made Easy: In & Out of the Bedroom.
Learn how to express your needs, ask for what you want, get practical how-to’s for deactivating reactivity, dealing with jealousy & resolving conflicts, all with humour and enjoyment. This is a sweet little bundle of three in-depth audio classes, workbook, at-home exercises and resource guide, valued at $97.
** For the top three videos (rated on impactful story, quality of video, and overall open-hearted coolness), you'll also get a fr*ee session with me, 2 hrs, valued at $197. Dude.
So, to join the contest:
1. Submit a video clip of you (and your partner/s), about 1 minute long. Use good lighting, if possible, and make sure it's honest and from your heart. The final file you send me must be smaller than 2GB. No editing necessary.
2. Upload it and send it to me:
* Use this link: www.yousendit.com
* Login email: liyana.silver@gmail.com
* Login password: videocontest
* Fill in the "To" form: liyana@redefiningmonogamy.com
* Fill in "Subject" form: Video Contest and your name
* Fill in the "Message" form: Your name(s), geographical
location, and occupation. (Or if you do NOT want this
information used, please specify).
* Upload your video file! (no larger than 2GB)
* Click "Send it!"
3. Your video must reach me before FEBRUARY 1, 2010
Questions/guidelines:
Feel free to answer each of these questions, or use them as a starting point and improvise. Just be real, share from your heart, and use concrete examples, when you can.
* What issues/challenges/problems/pains were you experiencing when you found my work?
* How did those challenges affect other aspects of your life?
* How did you find my work?
* What has shifted (results, outcomes, realizations) from knowing about and/or using my work?
* How has my work re-defined what's possible for you with love, sex, relationships and commitment?
* What would things be like for you if you hadn't come across my work?
I so look forward to seeing what you come up with!
What I wish someone had told Tiger
By LiYana Silver
Are you really surprised Tiger Woods was cheating on his wife? Were you surprised Bill Clinton, Jude Law, Leann Rimes, David Letterman, Jon Gosselin, Mark Sanford and Hugh Grant were? We shake our once-again disappointed heads over yet another public figure or leader who has proven to be a cheater, liar or hypocrite, but why exactly are we so surprised and disappointed? Of course it can feel like a betrayal when someone you look up to, a mentor, leader or teacher, turns out to have cracks in their morals. I’m not saying that all public figures, celebrities and leaders are cheaters, liars and hypocrites – I’m saying MOST OF US are cheaters, liars and hypocrites.
Hear me out. A large majority of us consider monogamy and sexual exclusivity to be the ideal structure for relationships and marriages, and a reported 90% of us believe that adultery is wrong, However, between 25-50% of married women and 50-65% of married men admit to having affairs. And since not all of those cheaters are married to each other, the numbers of those engaged in infidelities increases dramatically. Picture a room of 10 people; between 2-6 (or more) of those people are or have been cheaters. You might have to count yourself.
We cry for monogamy in morals, but our actions say something very different.
As hard on everyone as infidelity is, cheating deserves a closer examination. Cheating is defined by the context it is set in and the rules it breaks, not by the action itself. In one context, having a knife plunged into your abdomen in the middle of the night by a strange masked man could be a very bad thing; yet in another context, if you are suffering a burst appendix, you are wildly thankful for that surgeon’s scalpel. By one set of rules, copying out of the textbook in an exam is blatant cheating; in an open-book test, it is accepted and encouraged. It’s not the act of having sex, intimacies or emotional connections with people other than our partners that is inherently the problem, it’s the secrecy and dishonesty as well as the unexamined rules so many of us strive to live and love by.
We take for granted that monogamy is gold standard, and when we can’t manage it, we blame ourselves – or our partner. But we could stop and consider a third option; that perhaps there’s something outdated or ill-fitting for some of us, about the structure, confines and pressures of monogamy itself.
I’m not letting Tiger, Bill, Jude – or those fictional 2-6 of 10 folks in the room – off the hook for cheating, lying, deception and infidelity. Dishonesty is a tragedy for everyone. But does everyone who has an affair do it for the sole purpose of breaking up a family or betraying the trust of their loved ones? Are all cheaters callous cads, letting wanton selfish desires take precedence over the sacrifice and self-discipline that is often necessary in loving relationship? Are a majority of us simply just rotten, bad people?
With deep respect to his wife and family, let’s also look at what Tiger (our token cheater) was going FOR, not just what he managed to mess up. It’s a powerful force; call it freedom, lust, limerance, infatuation, love, difference, otherness, intimacy, desire, or thrilling newness. For as long as there have been partners to cheat on, we humans have risked loved ones, jobs, careers, nations, our lives – and endorsements – for this force. It’s powerful, enlivening stuff, of which it seems we’d jeopardize just about anything for a taste, and which is as much a part of our humanity as is our integrity and honesty. It deserves to be dealt with head-on, with a healthy dose of respect.
Has monogamy outstayed its evolutionary welcome? Is the solution for long-term, committed partnerships and marriages to open up? Is the solution to keep doing the sexing-with-others we seem to be doing, but to stop lying about it? For some, certainly, but polyamory (the practice of having honest, consensual, loving, intimate and/or sexual relationships with more than one person) isn’t a panacea. Some monogamous relationships become stronger after infidelity exposes the cracks to be worked on. A few of us who cheat are of the narcissistic or pathologically disordered sort. And some people are stuffed into monogamy that shouldn’t be, whose perfect expression of love and commitment is to many, not just one. The lifestyle and love-style of non-monogamy may or may not be suited to Tiger and his wife, but the questions and considerations that must go into creating an honest, responsible, consensual open relationship most certainly would have helped them. There’s not a one-size-fits-all answer; but there are some important questions to keep asking.
Tammy Nelson, author of Getting the Sex You Want, states that nearly 80% of partners are complicit in their partner’s infidelity, whether they explicitly knew about it or not. Maybe they don’t expect their partner to betray their trust or have explicit knowledge of the affair, but on some level, they know. We don’t get pneumonia out of thin air – we have to first ignore our sniffles, our sore throat, our cough that won’t go away, our fatigue and the pain in our chests. Likewise, most of the time, we do know when our relationships are faltering, dulling, and closing to intimacy. We ignore the worsening symptoms and are ill equipped to do much to restore connection, passion, honesty and life to our relationships. Most of us have little or no means to deal pragmatically, intelligently, carefully, consciously – and even joyfully! – with the massive contradictions that make up any relationship.
It was only until relatively recently that marriage became about chosen love, soul mates, joint happiness and mutual sexual fulfillment. For most of its history, marriage was a political or survival strategy. You got your love, happiness and great sex where you could, if you could. Never before has marriage – or long-term partnership – looked like we want it to look now. Never before have we lived as long as we do now: the average span of “until-death-do-us-part” used to be about 10 years, and now our unions could last upwards of 60. Never before have we expected daily domesticity, child-rearing, financial decision-making, social and familial compatibility to merge seamlessly with erotic, sexual, intellectual, intimate, religious and spiritual fulfillment. Never before have we placed such pressures on one person to satisfy all of our needs, a burden too big for most of us to hold.
We are hard-wired biologically to be attracted to multiple people, as long as we have a pulse and hormones flow in our endocrine systems, and this doesn’t magically go away when couple up with just one. Often the closer, more comfortable, familiar and cozy the long-term relationship gets, the less the sexual spark, attraction and erotic fire. Desire, longing and arousal are fueled by newness, otherness, and a even bit of the unknown. It’s hard to find newness in a partner you know completely and it can become harder and harder to want something you already have.
Ever a realist, I’m not excusing infidelity. Ever a free-thinker, I’m not saying open relationship are always the answer. And ever a romantic, I’m not convinced that enough love, enough effort, enough faith – or the vows of marriage – can inoculate us from the very real contradictions of all relationships, let alone those facing the specific pressures of the 21st Century. We grow and change, and our world grows and changes, at alarmingly fast rates. The question becomes how can our relationships grow and change with us? Like buildings in earthquake zones, the structures of our relationships desperately need to be retro-fit for flexibility, pliancy and pragmatism – and right quick.
What sits before us all, and what I wish had shown up on Tiger’s agenda, is that now more than ever we have the opportunity to embrace the paradoxes of partnership – and they are many. The alternative to asking the hard questions of ourselves and our lovers is to bury our heads in the sand, and wonder, outraged, when cheating, lying or infidelity – or the general decline of our relationship – rears its head and makes a statistic out of us.
Albeit not for the faint of heart, there is absolutely a path for the survival and thrival of loving, committed, honest, fulfilling and sustainable relationships. What it takes is indeed humanly possible: a commitment to loving, openly and honesty, to having freedom and commitment under one roof, to care and feeding of the partnership, and to seeking a third option when there appears to be none. Rather than defaulting to sexual exclusivity, it takes choosing powerfully monogamy or non-monogamy. It takes welcoming the enigma of relationships in the 21st Century. There’s no one right way to do it, except to choose YOUR way with open eyes and heart. What will your right way be?
LiYana Silver is a relationship counselor, author, teacher and speaker, living in San Francisco with her extraordinary fiancée, Nathan and their cat Mishka. For more about LiYana and her work, visit her at www.redefiningmonogamy.com.
Mary Oliver reminds:
"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves …"
After a year of what has felt like, in retrospect, walking through the desert on my hands and knees, I'm standing up, checking for lost limbs (none), dusting off myself, rubbing my sore knees and resolving (read: re-solving) in 2010 to:
Gulp deeply of half-full glasses, so I can swirl across my tongue and drink into my belly all that IS, rather than all that has not or is not yet come.
Embrace my inner feline: to hang out in my furry pyjamas all day long, to bat impossible things out of the air with a flash of paw and claw, and to expose my throat and belly for those adoring hands worthy of stroking me. And to purr loudly.
Channel Mexican Chocolate: Strong, spicy, hot. Bold, with the bite of bitter-dark that brings us, sip after sip, to the whole point: sweetness.
Heed the Ghosts of Women Past, so that when I speak in tongues, I quote Mae West.
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
"I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far."
“It's not the men in my life that counts–it's the life in my men.”
"To err is human, but it feels divine."
“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”
Learn from caterpillars. Eventually, caterpillars tire of munching, crawling and inching. They cocoon into a tight, dark, exceedingly uncomfortable place they've never been before – nor know if they'll make it out from. They sew themselves in with instinct and spit. They wait. And wait. And then they emerge able to fly.
"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."
~ Mary Oliver
This year begins like all western new years do, with dark, short days, cold and dormant. Sew your seeds, set them in the to-be fertile earth with your tenderest heart and greatest loving. And Remember when the blossoms of your blessings begin to fall upon and grace your head, that You put them there, You began their lives.
To your beautiful 2010, LiYana
This time of the year has always mystified me. 'Tis the season of love, yet it seems to be mostly about giving and getting a bunch of stuff no one really wants or needs, and running ourselves ragged in the process. We mostly don't love what we give, what we get, nor how we give or get it.
"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money."
~Author Unknown
And if there were a ton o' love in the things being bought or got, that would be cool, but for the most part, there's not.
Before you accuse me of Scroogitis – yes, I was raised Jewish/New Age/Buddhist – around the holidays, suicide goes up, we over-eat, under-sleep, get stressed out, gain weight and burn the candle at both ends. Despite our country's economic recession, we remain the land of plenty. How much more of what we don't want in the first place do we really need? All I'm saying is maybe we could peek behind the
curtain of this culturally-sanctioned sadness and madness, masquerading as gladness, just a little bit.
Instead of RE-GIFTING all those gifts you'll be getting that you didn't want in the first place, consider DE-GIFTING.
Don't know what to get the person? Don't get them anything at all. Blame it on Rudolf.
Imagine: no gifts given or gotten, aside from the ones that mean something, are truly desired, or you are moved and inspired to give.
Seriously, consider one way you could DE-GIFT:
1. Don't buy any gifts unless they truly are DESIRED by the person you are buying them for.
2. Let your friends and family (and office peeps) know that you don't want any gifts unless they are truly INSPIRED give them to you.
3. In lieu of needless gifts given or gotten, consider a micro-finance loan instead:
Kiva (http://www.kiva.org) and World Vision Micro (http://www.worldvisionmicro.org) are two amazing organizations that take your small donation ($5, $25 or more), and put it in the hands of a person in a developing nation, in the form of a loan that must be repaid. Most recipients start a micro-business with your loan that gets them out of poverty, sends children or family members to school and totally changes the trajectory of their lives. You get to watch their progress, too.
All for the price of a Starbucks gift card!
"A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver."
~Thomas á Kempis
May your heart be full to bursting with love and gratitude this holiday season,
Enjoy the week,
LiYana
Day of the Undead: musings on Dia de los Muertos
October's shadowy holiday, Dia de Los Muertos (Day of the Dead), has recently come and gone. Recently visited by shades of all sizes, I'm left musing on what we have to learn from those who've gone to their graves before us, and those who are waiting for an invitation to rise.
All Soul's Eve and the Day of the Dead are the kissing cousins of the holiday known as Halloween. Dressing in costume and hoarding candy is a bit of a mutation from the original point of the holiday, which was to remember and honor the dead and our ancestors, without whom we wouldn't be here.
Along with solemnity and honoring, these traditional holidays always include color, music, food, humour and celebration. Death need not always be solely a sad thing, but can also be a reminder of life; death as a continuation of life.
Speaking (highly) of the dead, my father passed away a year ago, almost to the day. He's recently taken to visiting in my dreams, speaking (highly) as the dead, not uncommon I'm told.
The last dream of a few nights ago, he came smiling, telling me of all the perks of his new after-death faculty position. "It's great, he tell me. Each day in my in-box is a new goodie: an invitation to a special lunch, a request for me to teach a class, a thank you for all I've contributed, a gift certificate, a thoughtful gift."
I watch him, full of life and joy and am delighted as I listen, and then I feel sad. "I wish I had an in-box like that. I wish to be appreciated, recognized and supported in those ways."
He cocks his head and says, "Oh, you have a box, too. I saw it. It's quite full, actually, since you haven't looked at it in a while. You just have to go look."
In two courses I'm teaching, we're on to a section of material in the realm of the sensual and erotic, in which we must embrace head-on the paradoxical and oxymoronic. In unlocking our Erotic Blueprints, as I call our themes of erotic connection, we can't but look directly at our Shadow; Eros and Shadow usually have a lot to say to each other, when officially introduced.
Using the term Shadow in the Jungian sense, it refers to an area of our beings where we toss all of the parts of ourselves we deem unfit for public consumption. Our Shadow is the trash heap or communal grave of our psyche, where we've tossed those parts of ourselves we once learned that, if let roam free, might bring upon us shame, ridicule, embarrassment and pain.
Humans contain both light and shadow. The paradox is that the more we ignore our Shadow, the darker it becomes. And the further paradox is that when we open up the coffin grave we sealed so tightly with grim devotion, we find unexpected gifts from looking at the seemingly un-see-able. When we can go into wounded places and put light on them, when we stop spending energy on hiding, holding back and lying, when our undead, lost Shadow parts can be included in our life, so much creative, congruent vital energy becomes available to us.
Ancestors and lost parts of our selves: they literally gave and give us life, and their choices got us here today. We stand on the shoulders of those who came before us, so it can be a powerful thing, this once a year, to look down, and to look back at them in thanks. Our bones are made strong by their lives, and their blood runs into ours via the river of familial connection.
Although our parents, grandparents, Shadows and ancestors may have had some heavy, complicated stories, and what they handed down to us might not have been all easy and sweet, what remains true is the elemental Love and the Life that flows from them to us, in one direction, always.
To tap into that is an honoring. To open up to receive it is a nourishment and a blessing.
As the days get darker, may we unlock the boxes to our Shadowy selves, may we unveil the many shades of our past, and may we pay homage to the lost, the dead and the undead, since they in turn have so much illumination to lay at our feet.
(Photo "El Regalo" – The Gift – from http://diadelosmuertos.us/)
Weekly Mini Relationship Tip, Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Dear Goddess:
I got this ode, below, in my email inbox from a friend in a hard, dark time, who just found out her hard-won tenure-track at a well-known university will not be renewed.
I just sent it to another friend (with the same name as the first friend!), whose workshops at well-known centers have been canceled, whose health is stressed and whose second book proposal got its first rejection.
And then I sent it to another friend (yep, with the same name as the other two!), who just had a miscarriage.
Smart, talented, hard-working women. Who are in the dark, hard part of the cycle. Perhaps you know one; perhaps you are one.
So, this week:
1. Read the following simple "Dear Goddess" letter.
2. Send it to a woman who could use it right now (maybe it's you).
"Dear Goddess: The lady reading this is beautiful, classy, strong and I love her.
Help her live her life to the fullest.
Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.
Help her shine in the darkest places where it seems impossible to love.
Protect her at all times, and lift her up when she needs you the most.
And let her know that she walks with you, and that she will always be safe and beloved."
Have a sweet, sweet week, LiYana
My boyfriend and I have been in a wonderful and rich conversation the last several months as we've been creating our engagement vows. Since engagement means you intend to marry, and we intend to marry consciously and create our own vows, we need those vows now, pre-marriage so we can be clear about what we are vowing to!
A friend just came back from a week at the hot springs. She took her computer, but vowed not to open it. Instead she renewed her marriage vows with herself.
Before we can love another, we must love our own self, truly, madly and deeply.
Love After Love, by Derek Walcott
"The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life."
So this week, celebrate Love Before Love – the love affair you must have with you, before you can have it with another:
1. Take a few moments to write out to what you are vowing (what you are committing to, what you are upholding, who you will be for you…), in your love affair with you.
2. Decide on a symbolic gesture (a ring out of a gum-ball machine, a pricey piece of bling, a bouquet of flowers, a calligraphed copy of your vows, framed…) and be trothed.
To your brilliant love affair,
Enjoy, LiYana
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