Abundance vs. Scarcity

We are told there is not enough love to go around, that we have to control love, keep it, hoard it and force it to stay.

We are taught that love is a scarce resource that we must squirrel away and keep between two – and only two – people, or else it will run off, to settle with some other person who has been more mindful of the rules!

The first time I saw my boyfriend kiss another woman and witnessed him sharing that intimate moment with someone other than me, and I watched my mind come up with the only options it had known up until then:

He found something in her that I lack.

If he is enjoying her, it means he wants to leave me.

His affection for her diminishes his for me…

And none of this was true, but these were the only thoughts available to me. He wasn't longing to go anywhere, nor was he finding anything lacking with me, he was just having a beautiful moment of freedom, of sharing an intimate moment with someone, and, frankly, not quite believing his good fortune!

It was at that moment I understood that there is enough love to go around.

I could see he wasn't looking for something besides me, he was simply enjoying something AS WELL AS ME.

From this realization came the concept of "AND rather than OR."

Love is an AND, scarcity is an OR.

My partner's affection for someone else in no way diminishes his love for me. In truth, the fact that he has freedom within our amazing relationship makes him value the relationship all the more.

The bond and the absolute trust I have with my partner is our solid. Our strong foundation allows us to deeply love each other, while having love enough to spill over to others.

I tell you the nature of love is abundance. There IS enough love to go around.

In a scarcity view of love and relationship, you think there is something or someone to be owned. But the truth of it is that you can't own love, and you can't own anyone.

In an extraordinary relationship, there is nothing to own, nothing to get, nothing to lose.

Your partner is not a trophy to look good on your arm, to make you look good, or to conform to all the ways you imagine a perfect partner to be. You freely chose to be with your partner, and they you. You do not own them, and they do not own you. They are not perfect, but are likely perfect for you.

If you have co-created a solid relationship, based on love, respect and honesty, and if you have the basics of communication, trust and honesty in place, you have a connection between you two that is not easily replaced or replicated.

What you and your partner offer each other is so uniquely one-in-a-million, to have the thought that it might be available in someone else or somewhere else is a mistake.

When you have the assumption that you can own something, you also believe that it can be taken from you. That is the nature of jealousy, and jealousy assumes there is something you can lose or that could be taken from you. If you are no longer looking for someone to validate you or complete you, then there is nothing they can take from you or give you.

I am not saying being in partnership with someone doesn't offer you anything. Yes, you experience the good stuff, and lots of it – like fun, connection and intimacy. But if the partnership isn't set up as an ownership, the nature of love, which is abundant, is apparent.

However, all this is the finest theory in the world until one of you feels neglected or that your partner doesn't have your back.

The quickest way to jealousy, doubt, insecurity, anger and mistrust is to try to create beyond-monogamous situations when your relationship is not strong, when not both of you are on board. In a situation of scarcity rather than surplus, any action you do might feel to your partner like neglect, a lie, and a loss.

For this abundant view of love to work in a real life relationship, it must come from a condition of great surplus. When your partner is 100% satisfied with the connection, intimacy, sexual life and communication between you two, there is a condition of overflow, of extra, and of surplus. It is from that place that there is room to consider having love flow over to others.

Go to Am I Just Being Selfish or Immature?
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